The endless struggle of women to be accepted by men as bonafide fully equipped, intelligent, creative, capable human beings is exhausting for all of us. We are tired of being treated as less than fully human by men of every color. The patriarchy knows no race or creed.

Women of color are bitter about how white women expect their help against sexism, but then disappear when there is white supremacy to combat, which is always. They’re not wrong. “Intersectionalism” is the idea that this is not okay, and doesn’t work, and that all the kinds of oppression are connected, and in order to fight one, we must fight all. YES, let’s do it! There are lots of headllines like this out there: “How White Liberals Can Be Allies In Fighting Racism And The Oppression Of Minorities.” I have yet to see “How Progressive Men of Color and White Men Can Be Allies in Fighting Sexism And The Oppression of Women.” I’m looking forward to it, but I sure as hell am not holding my breath.

I’ll spare myself and you the long long litany of offenses I have witnessed by men against women in progressive organizations, in anti-racism organizations, in immigrant rights organizations, in religious organizations, educational organizations, environmental organizations, cultural, political, you name it…every organization I’ve ever been a part of, actually, if there were any men in it.* White men, black men, Asian men, old men, young men, religious men, atheist men, conservative men, progressive men, straight men…maybe slightly less by gay men. Men who know me, if you’re wondering whether I mean you, the answer is yes.*

The reason I will spare you this list is that men can’t hear these words and believe them and act on them; they can only mansplain back to me how reasonable and justified their oppressive and dismissive behavior is, and how petty and unreasonable I am for objecting to it. I’m tired of that, too. Also because the list is too damn long, and because women all know about it from shortly after birth, if not before. And because it’s so disheartening. Maybe we need a spreadsheet called Shitty Activist Men.

In addition to white women and white men waking up to the level of structural racism in America, we need men of color and white men to wake up and be intersectional around gender. Spit out that toxic red pill. The classic literature around race is by men of color who are barely aware that women exist beyond their roles as caretakers and sex objects for men, and that they, too benefit from the oppression of women. I Am Not Your Negro is magnificent, but James Baldwin is speaking about and to men. Women are invisible to the Invisible Man. Ta-Nehisi Coates, the brilliant black intellectual who presented the powerful Case for Reparations in the Atlantic, and wrote Between the World and Me for his son, is all about the black male experience.

Until now! This is actually exciting. Near the end of a recent Deadspin interview by Dennis Young, he brings up the #MeToo movement, and Mr. Coates replies, “When you’re in not just the protected class—by which I mean a class that’s not actually going through the thing which has happened, the oppression—but you’re actually in a class where you’re benefiting from it…You could say—I feel so white having this conversation. Like, I’ve learned what it means to be white. It’s about power, right? White people say ‘well, I didn’t do X, Y, and Z.’ Okay, you didn’t do X, Y, and Z but I can give you all the ways in which you’re benefiting from the fact that X, Y, and Z happened.” Thank you, Mr. Coates. The arc bends a little further toward justice.

I’m incredibly grateful to strong women, of color and white, for their leadership in so many crucial areas. I admire you and thank you and support you and try to be one myself. I also see men of color as well as white men in the movements interrupting you, talking over you, ignoring you, taking credit for your ideas, and generally taking umbrage if they feel we are not sufficiently deferential to their male privilege. The women are usually providing the food for these meetings, and cleaning up afterwards. In other words, all the usual patriarchal crap.* Please note, gentlemen, that white privilege is not the only kind. Male privilege is real, it’s huge, it’s powerful, and you have it. When women speak, try something different: shut up and listen.

*#NotAllMen. Jordan Berg Powers, you rock!